It’s another birthday without him. Today would be my Joey’s 37th birthday. I managed to “busy” my way through his death date on December 15th but today, his birthday, not so much. Each year is different. I can never tell what those will bring inside this mama’s heart.
I pray for peace, understanding, grace. I know that when asked, I will be provided those things always. Likewise what I can always count on is a magnified feeling of grief. The pain is real and will always be. I know that I will see him again and that gives me great comfort but the “missing him” part never leaves me.
How can you not miss what you carried in your belly for 9 months? How can you not miss the love, laughter and milestones you shared with your child? How can you not miss the voice you’ve heard from when he first uttered the word “mama?” The love you have for that voice is inmeasureable. Sometimes the truth of knowing that you will never hear it again on this side of Heaven is overwhelming. Hiding from the truth and telling yourself it didn’t happen is one way to cope…..but really not a healthy way.
How do I know? I’ve done it. I have barely began to scratch the surface of my healing because I’ve buried it so deep inside my heart from years of looking the other way. There is hope though. I feel equipped now. I feel stronger. I am 11 years away from the death of my only child and God is good. His timing is perfect and I will carry that with me as I reach another year of being with my Joey.
Are you suffering from loss of a child? You are not alone. You have a friend if you need one. I am here, I am stong enough and I will talk to you, friend. Here is the link Contact Dianne.
Happy Birthday to my sweet, loving, kind, full-of-life, funny, jokester, amazing son. I love you infintiy times infinity! Although I accept that my purpose is not done here on earth I will never stop loving nor missing you. When God sees fit for me to see you again I will completely smother you in that love.
I’ve been struggling lately. It’s only been a few months since I lost my little brother. It hits me in waves. Some days I can stay so busy that I seem to be ok. Others, not so much.
I have an education group on Facebook called The Oily Kinship. I teach classes there on Essential Oils. I feature special oils every Tuesday that I call Tuesday’s Treasures. Last week the special oil was “Hope”. This is the trigger that lead me to thoughts of my baby brother. I have often talked about triggers and how sometimes they can send us to dark or sad places.
I feel confidant of where Mark is. I know that he is with my Joey and more importantly with his Creator. However this one word, Hope has rattled me and I’ve thought of him every single day since last Tuesday. Wiping a tear stained face I need to release these pent up emotions.
My brother lead a very troubled life. Often times during phone conversations it’s that word, Hope that I felt he was without. That is why saying this word repeatedly while teaching took me directly to Mark. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him please never give up. You are somebody and you are loved! Please let me step in your shoes and make your choices for you! Please.
How terribly sad it must have felt to be without Hope. Had he been without it so long that it had become his normal? Did he even know that he was living a life filled with hopelessness after doing it for so long? How does one give such a person hope? Can they even accept it?
My brother, how terribly sorry I am that you had to know the toils of the world. I love and miss you every day. Our Lord promised us joy and within that joy you now live. I will look forward to the day that I see you anew, full of love, joy, pride and mostly Hope.
I am not sure why I had to type this tonight but our Father does. Are you someone who is feeling hopeless? Do you need an ear or someone to listen? I am happy to do so. Please call on me. I will pray with you, talk with you, virtually hug you. You are loved and you have hope. Don’t give up and don’t let go.
This morning is really hard. I am not sure why. Perhaps it’s the rain. Perhaps it is the gloomy clouds. Perhaps it’s just the day of the week, but it’s hard. It is these days that make me so very thankful to our Lord that His beautiful hand created the plants that produce such and amazing essential oil as Sara.
We never stop missing our loved ones. Some days seem easier than others after a lot of time has passed. For my son Joey it’s been over 10 years since he left us. Yet, my little brother has only been gone barely three months.
I was thinking this morning how in times like this I would sit in a corner and cry in my pillow. What Young Living Essential Oils have done for me is nothing short of amazing. Sara is one of those oils. Sara promotes tears and emotions. I diffuse Sara on days like this and even rub a little on my body. My friends it is good for us to cry and release those sad and hurtful emotions. With every tear I believe comes healing. For so very long I held them inside, they were pent up. In my mind I thought if I gave in to the emotions it would start an avalanche of ill feelings – a crumbling, if you will, of my insides. I was wrong.
I was afraid it would take me to a dark place. How grateful I am for you and this little blog. How grateful I am for my oils. How grateful I am for my Heavenly Father who knew our hearts would need soothing.
My prayer for you is that you too can find the strength to pay the respect that your grief needs. Give in to the attention and time it needs to heal. Perhaps in losing a child we never completely heal. However, I am living proof that we can move forward with love in our hearts if we just take the time to grieve.
If you are interested in learning more about Young Living Essential Oils please feel free to comment or contact me. God bless you my sweet friend.
I, again, am missing him this morning. My baby brother, Mark. He’s really gone; He is really gone. Loss is so hard.
Mark loved my niece (our oldest brother’s daughter) like his own. We have treated her like a sister throughout this entire loss. She was his rock and true compass the last few years of his life and that’s how he would want it. She and I were discussing plans yesterday of my coming to Florida for his burial next week. We were talking about the other siblings and their schedules. There were five of us and we wanted to make sure the ceremony would fit in to all of our schedules. It’s so strange how I almost said “how about Mark, have you heard from him?”
I knew my baby brother wouldn’t be showing up for his own service but old habits die hard. We were always checking on Mark, wondering if he was ok, worrying. It’s a natural response. I know that most folks do have to wean the habit of including the people they love in everyday life, once they’ve gone to Heaven.
Our loved ones are weaved in to the very fabric of our lives and it’s a part of us we don’t want to let go of. We are forced to create a new normal that doesn’t include them. When my Joey died it took me months before I accepted that my phone wasn’t going to ring all throughout the day to talk to his mama. It was one of the hardest realizations, although there are many.
So, it’s settled. On Tuesday evening we will bury my little brother’s remains in the center of my mother and father’s graves. It’s where he wanted to be. There was no love that ever could match the love that man got from his parents. We were so fortunate that cemetery/church property owners were happy to accommodate. I will be saying goodbye for the last time to Mark. That seems unbelievable.
I will douse myself with Frankinsence to keep me grounded and spiritually focused. I will stay centered in the fact that the one thing better than his being laid to rest between our parents, is that he is with them in spirit now. He has no more pain, no more demons, no more struggles. He is with the three who gave him life. God, Mom & Dad. Farewell my sweet brother. I will love you always. “We will meet on that beautiful shore“.
It’s been a glorious week with my close Australian friend, Di. Yet, I had to come to the sad realization that her visit had to an end yesterday. After a week filled with laughter, eating, trips and shopping the brakes were suddenly applied and now poof, just like that she’s gone.
Pulling in to the airport we both felt the tears welling up inside us. The idle chit chat in the car made it a little less conspicuous. As we pulled up to the curbside drop off the waterworks began. I managed to hide the obvious with my oversized sunglasses. We cry every time. As we hugged each other tight for what seemed like five minutes I begged her to stop crying. I was headed for a work trip immediately after and I knew if I got too carried away it would make for a soggy eyed two hour trip. We managed to pull away from each other and as I stood by my car and watched her approach the entrance to the airport she stopped again. She did it; she looked back at me with the cry-grimace.
My heart pleaded for me to run to her, scoop my beautiful, dear friend up and take her back to my home forever. My head knew we had to go back to reality and details of our lives. We both left with the promise that we would see each other again in Aussie. The hope is for my husband and I to make the trip in 2020. The good Lord willing we will do it.
Sadness like this can sometimes overwhelm us. We can easily reach a point where we feel the longing that we felt when we experienced a tragic loss. Yes, my Di is alive and well and the loss of a child cannot compare to this type of separation. However, it can serve as a trigger that sends us back to that saddest time of our lives. There are so many of them! We have to be careful and aware so that we don’t allow these triggers to put us on that slippery slope that ends in darkness.
Friends, I have come a long way in these 10+ years without my precious Joey. Most of those years were spent avoiding the obvious. That’s so I didn’t have to deal with it. I came to realize that I would be a lot further down the road in healing if I had just allowed these triggers to serve as a tool. What I mean by that is that when they occur 1) drag them out on the carpet and acknowledge them and 2) if you need to cry, do it and do it until you get it out and finally 3) recognize it for what it was and applaud yourself for what you just did in your loved one’s Honor.
Little by little as time moves forward you will have turned these triggers into an amazing tool for healing. Please feel free to share about your loved one here. You can comment here on this page or on the In Loving Memory tab. I am happy to hear all about your child. That is what this blog is all about. Love and healing to you, friend.