It’s another birthday without him. Today would be my Joey’s 37th birthday. I managed to “busy” my way through his death date on December 15th but today, his birthday, not so much. Each year is different. I can never tell what those will bring inside this mama’s heart.
I pray for peace, understanding, grace. I know that when asked, I will be provided those things always. Likewise what I can always count on is a magnified feeling of grief. The pain is real and will always be. I know that I will see him again and that gives me great comfort but the “missing him” part never leaves me.
How can you not miss what you carried in your belly for 9 months? How can you not miss the love, laughter and milestones you shared with your child? How can you not miss the voice you’ve heard from when he first uttered the word “mama?” The love you have for that voice is inmeasureable. Sometimes the truth of knowing that you will never hear it again on this side of Heaven is overwhelming. Hiding from the truth and telling yourself it didn’t happen is one way to cope…..but really not a healthy way.
How do I know? I’ve done it. I have barely began to scratch the surface of my healing because I’ve buried it so deep inside my heart from years of looking the other way. There is hope though. I feel equipped now. I feel stronger. I am 11 years away from the death of my only child and God is good. His timing is perfect and I will carry that with me as I reach another year of being with my Joey.
Are you suffering from loss of a child? You are not alone. You have a friend if you need one. I am here, I am stong enough and I will talk to you, friend. Here is the link Contact Dianne.
Happy Birthday to my sweet, loving, kind, full-of-life, funny, jokester, amazing son. I love you infintiy times infinity! Although I accept that my purpose is not done here on earth I will never stop loving nor missing you. When God sees fit for me to see you again I will completely smother you in that love.