Paradise City

Why does loss have to be so hard?  As adults we all know that to live, is to die.  It’s the IMG_8071.jpgultimate result for us all.  Yet every time there is loss of a loved one we are devastated.  Perhaps because we have to learn how to live without them and our loss sometimes make that seem impossible.

I had to put my dear dog Cooper down a few weeks ago.  That may seem trivial to some but he was a part of my family and saw me through a lot of tragedy.  He was the last shred of my son that I had here on earth.  Joey loved Cooper, he was our family dog.  For fifteen years he was a very loyal member of the Gill clan.

Add to that grief, just last week I lost my baby brother.  At 47 years old he had a heart attack.  That seems to be what gets all of the folks in my family.  Add poor choices to an already weak genetic pool and it’s the perfect cocktail for a one-way ticket out of here.   We’re all guilty of poor choices on occasion, right?

I have doused a little Acceptance oil in my palms tonight.  I’m having a real hard time with the recent loss of my baby brother last week.  I want to write about him.  Maybe it’s because I know he resides with my Joey now.  Maybe it’s because I’m sorry for him.  It may be because I feel helpless or maybe it’s just because I love and miss him.  He deserved so much more than this  life gave him.  I so wish he could get a do-over.  My brother had a bad heart but that bad heart was so very full of love for everyone in his life.  He was the type that genuinely  had concern for other’s well being.  He had a giggle that is indisputable.  He wanted you to laugh with him so he laughed so hard that it made you laugh too.   Looking at his silly grin with a scrunchy face would make you break,  every time.

I want to hug him.  I want to tell him that I know how hard his life was for him and that I am sorry for that.  I want to tell him that if I had the chance to change only one thing in this world, it would be that he had a better life here on earth.  I want to tell him that he was dearly loved.  I want him to  know that I am sorry he died alone.  Oh how I wish I could have been there to help him, even if helping him was to lay down beside him and be with him his last few seconds……..but in God’s perfect plan it was not to be.

I have heard him randomly laughing in my head since he died.  I know that he is finally happy, at peace, with a new heart and not a care or a shred of pain.  Rest in Peace my precious baby brother.  You are now in “paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty”.  I love you Mark Edward.

One Comment on “Paradise City

  1. I am drenched in tears, what a beautiful yet heart breaking blog. I feel your love and your pain.

    Liked by 1 person

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