Tonight I thought about how my life has played out so far. My mind wondered back to where it often does to my sweet momma. The phone had rang on an dreary and early Tuesday morning and when I answered it was for her. I took the phone in to her bedroom where she was sleeping……at least I thought. No response, again, no response. I can recall very vividly how it seemed that every last drop of blood drained from my body right then and there. Still, no answer…….I began to beg her to get up, shrieking now. Nothing. Why did she have to leave us – five children and a husband who adored her? I’d never know the answer to that in this earthly life but that day marked my first heartache. She was still a youngster at 34 years old. Being a Saved Christian since 10, even in my young mind I knew that she’d done her job here and God called her Home. So that’s the way it had to be.
Oh how I miss my momma. Not many years later my Dad joined her in Heaven. Life seems like a rather sad tale for me. I believe these are the things that lead me to marry so young. A mere child myself I would soon give birth to my Joey. He stayed in the hospital for two weeks in ICU due to birth complications and I sat day and night, helpless. Surely God wouldn’t take my boy after what I’d been through? We did make it through that difficult time at birth but those thoughts tormented me for two solid weeks.
27 years later the day came that I had to bury him…..my one and only son. All the loss, hurt and pain now paled in comparison to what I was going through. Why? Why? I cried out Lord, haven’t I had my fair share? What have I ever done to deserve this? Where are you, you’re supposed to love me? Did you just turn your back on me? It’s not supposed to end like this! If I hear one more time “He’s in a better place” I will lose it! There is no better place for him than with me! I want him back and I want him back right now!
Did I say those kinds of things about my momma? No. I can’t recall ever saying a cross word to God about calling my mom Home. It was super hard to lose her but I never blamed God. As my thoughts wondered today I couldn’t help but see this as an indication of how far I’ve drifted from Him. I will spend the rest of my life trying to get back to that version of me.
I have the most amazing and warm memories of how my momma loved us. My Joey is now the recipient of that incredible affection. She’s met him for the first time. They’re catching up on all of the goings-on of the earth. He’s safe, he’s with his maker, his master and his grandparents. I know there are far worse places he could be. He would never in a million years come back here, never. Nor would I.