In thinking about what I would share today I recalled a line I read yesterday where a mother had said she was able to laugh again. It took me back to a place where I was early on when I couldn’t bare the thought of listening to music. Additionally, I didn’t laugh, I didn’t sing, or enjoy anything. You know in retrospect I know it was because I felt like I didn’t deserve to. It was a feeling of betrayal I believe. I mean, what kind of mother would enjoy such things when their child wasn’t able to do so any longer. I would be a traitor, just going about my life without a care, enjoying my music.
Music was my son’s passion. Although I didn’t quite care for his music I understood his passion. He didn’t just have a radio in his vehicle like me. No, he had speakers everywhere, dancing palm trees and ocean waves in multi-colors coming over the screen that was in synch with the beat. He had cd’s everywhere and even though it was a big boy he DANCED! He could cut the rug, I tell you. He was so in love with all things music. I think it provided a super outlet for him in some fashion. Sometimes I wonder if he actually heard the words to some of that stuff….really?
For at least two years after he died I couldn’t listen to music. I failed him by allowing him to die…….I shouldn’t then be able to indulge in his passion, could I? Our emotions run rampant on the grief scale, early on. We’re up and we’re down as we try to find a way to move forward while creating a new identity – one in which we will have to live without their child. That is completely ok. There is no golden rule about how we must do so but one thing is true and certain. We must do so.
I slowly re-introduced myself into music again. I know my son would be terribly upset if I gave it up forever. I realized over time that I had what is called survivor’s guilt and that is unfair. I am so very fortunate to have a life that I love, to live where I love, to have a husband that I love. I should be enjoying it all. God has given us a limited time on this earth and when we are able to spread love and kindness again, my prayer is that we do so in our loved ones honor. We can get back in the game and give back. It is then that we see blessings abound!