Saying the words

Begin CupSundays.  We start them off like every day of our life, with great coffee.  It’s just my love language!  Since its a weekend I enjoy it with  my sweet husband and that makes it all the better.

We’re both very guilty of scrolling through  our phones as we ramble to each other.  During our chatter one particular Sunday I stopped in my tracks when I read a post from a friend’s page.  It was a post he had made to another person where he said “my son died.”  My. Son. Died.  I had never said those words before.  As tears welled in my eyes I asked my hubby why he thought that was.  Why was it that I never said those words?  I knew the answer……..it was about acceptance.  I always say “I lost my son”.  As if when I get ready to find him and have him come home….I can.  It made me wonder how my friend could those words so soon.  It had barely been nine months since his son passed.  I know that we all grieve differently and what is right for one is certainly not the same for everyone and that was a prime example.

I admired him for having the courage to face it head on.  I imagined that he was a lot “further down the road” in shorter time.  That might sound very judgmental but it’s not meant to be.  You see, I cannot change a thing about my son’s departure yet I fought the acceptance for so many years.  Had I had the courage to face it, accept the unchangeable………

As we get older we tend to let more things go.  Things that we used be so uptight about we might not even give a second thought in our older years.  We sometimes get all mellow and forgive a little easier.  However this day in particular I had the realization that I’m one bull-headed blonde.  I come to realize that I didn’t say the words because doing so would make it a real and make it true, make it a devastating fact of my life.  In my mind if I ignored it, it didn’t happen.  No pictures on the wall of Joey, no reminders of what I didn’t have.  Don’t own it and it didn’t happen.

It’s hard.  Even today, it’s hard.  However as I grow in God’s grace I can see all of the energy I was spending on fighting the obvious, all of the water I was using up on the weeds of unacceptance, nurturing the disbelief, keeping the hope alive that he was going to walk through my door again……all of these things.  They were sucking the energy and life right out of possibilities of the future; robbing the future to pay for a fruitless yesterday.  I know that I have been left here for a reason.  I know that our God created each of us with great destinies in mind and when we are able to stand to our feet, when we are able to grab ahold of reality, it is then that we can see greatness again…..and move forward, taking our precious memories with us.                  My. Son. Died.

 

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