Just before opening this page to go live yesterday I had been praying for direction, nerve, courage, strength, guidance and answers. I really have no idea where this blog might take me. I was acting on Faith. I did know one thing though and that is I couldn’t dare do it alone. So with all the decisions I reached out to my highest power.
There was the time when I had the faith of Job. All the days of my young life was spent in church, Vacation Bible School or just any time the doors of my little country church was open. I can recall the very day that I got saved and baptized. I can almost smell Pastor Packham’s cologne, see his slicked back hair and dark rimmed glasses as he looked down at my 10 year old self and asked “are you sure that you want Jesus to come in to your heart?” “Do you know without a doubt this is your desire?” I was just as sure as a 10 year old could possibly be. All through my childhood I had the most amazing faith. So much so that I remember turning 12 years old and reciting to myself that I had better “walk the line” because I was responsible for my own sins. I had a great love of God throughout my whole life.
However, If I am honest it somewhat changed when I lost my Joey and it had left me struggling to find that faith again. I never stopped loving the Lord but when the unimaginable happened my relationship with Him suffered a blow. I was mad, hurt, deflated, lost and was left feeling forgotten….just forgotten. Where was He? Did he turn His back on me, aren’t I His child? Why did this happen to me? Why my kid? He was my only. Hadn’t I had my fair share of anguish? Is this some sort of unforeseen punishment? I wanted to march right up the highest mountain and demand him back!
In retrospect and a little further down the road, I must ask why not me? Did I think that I was above my earthly brothers and sisters who’ve lost children? Did I think it couldn’t happen to me although I’ve always feared it? My sweet friends it rains on the just and the un-just. Ten years it’s taken me to come to the realization that my Joey was God’s child first….just like me……and I was the blessed woman who was chosen to bring him into this world and be his mama. For that I am very grateful but it sometimes takes us a while to get there. The hurt overtakes our lives for a bit. It’s ok for us to grieve for as long as we need to. Everyone grieves differently. I surely can’t promise that it will completely go away but I know that the sun will shine again. We can hold on to God’s promise that we will see them again. I know it’s not easy to hear that at first but for me holding on to the faith is what keeps me going.